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Mystery about mistake
Posted on Sun, 26 Apr 2009
  • If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style...
  • If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident...
  • If a doctor makes a mistake, It's an operation...
  • If a engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture...
  • If parents makes a mistake, It is a new generation...
  • If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law...
  • If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention...
  • If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion...
  • If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a new theory...
  • If our boss makes a mistake, It is our mistake...
  • If an employee makes a mistake, It is a "MISTAKE"

Newest Masturbate for Peace Bumper Stickers
Posted on Sun, 26 Apr 2009
  • Rub your snake for peace's sake
  • War's for squares, play downstairs
  • Touch Your sack, not Iraq
  • Stop war now, milk your cow
  • When you jerk tonight, keep peace in sight.
  • Don't attack - play with Jack
  • Get peace fever, rub your beaver!
  • My pussy doesn't meow, it roars -- for peace.
  • Give your Bush the finger!
  • For peace to work, you need to jerk
  • War is heinous, thumb your anus
  • War is Mean, Flick Your Bean
  • War is wrong, whack your schlong.
  • I'm going blind for Mankind
  • War is silly, whack your willy

85 Rules and instructions on being a MAN
Posted on Sun, 26 Apr 2009
  1. Don't call. EVER.
  2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
  3. Lie.
  4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
  5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them/already gave it to them.
  6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
  7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt will do.
  8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
  9. Lie.
  10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
  11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
  12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
  13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
  14. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
  15. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
  16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
  17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
  18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
  19. Lie.
  20. Deny everything. Everything.
  21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you. (Probably all of them - you're a man remember?) They really want to know.
  22. Don't have a clue.
  23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
  24. No means yes.
  25. Yes means no.
  26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules.
  27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations.
  28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
  29. Feelings? What feelings?
  30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.
  31. Lie I tell you!!
  32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example:
    Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
    Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
  33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning. Twist.
  34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exagerate the dimensions by 25%).
  35. Lie.
  36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
  37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
  38. Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
  39. Lie.
  40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
  41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
  42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
  43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
  44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
  45. Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc.
  46. Lie.
  47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
  48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
  49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
  50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
  51. You are male, therefore you are superior.
  52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
  53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
  54. Don't ever notice anything.
  55. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
  56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
  57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
  58. Lie.
  59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
  60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
  61. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
  62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
  63. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
  64. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
  65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
  66. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily.
  67. Lie.
  68. If anyone asks you for a favor, a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
  69. 69
  70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
  71. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
  72. Lie.
  73. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
  74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)
  75. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
  76. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
  77. Default facial expression: blank stare.
  78. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your ass.
  79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
  80. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
  81. Beer. Then more beer.
  82. One word: FOOTBALL!
  83. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
  84. Discuss your pecs at every opportunity.
  85. LIE.

The rules and instructions on being a WOMAN
Posted on Sun, 26 Apr 2009
  1. The Female always makes the Rules.
  2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
  3. No Male can possibly know all the Rules.
  4. If the Female suspects the Male knows the Rules, she must immediately change some of the Rules.
  5. The Female is never wrong.
  6. If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male said or did.
  7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
  8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
  9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
  10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
  11. The Male must remain calm at all times unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
  12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
  13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.

Top Things PMS Stands For
Posted on Sun, 26 Apr 2009
  1. Pass My Shotgun
  2. Pack My Stuff
  3. Perpetual Munching Spree
  4. Puffy Mid Section
  5. People Make Me Sick
  6. Provide Me with Sweets
  7. Pardon My Sobbing
  8. Pimples May Surface

25 Reasons why alcohol should be served at work...
Posted on Sun, 26 Apr 2009
  1. It's an incentive to show up.
  2. It reduces stress.
  3. It leads to more honest communications.
  4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
  5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
  6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
  7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
  8. It encourages car pooling.
  9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
  10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
  11. It makes fellow employees look better.
  12. It makes the Lux-cantine food taste better.
  13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
  14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
  15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
  16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
  17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
  18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
  19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
  20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
  21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
  22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
  23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
  24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
  25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

Why a motorcycle is better than a woman?
Posted on Sun, 26 Apr 2009
  1. Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
  2. Motorcycles' curves never sag.
  3. Motorcycles last longer.
  4. Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
  5. Motorcycles don't have parents.
  6. Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
  7. You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
  8. You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
  9. You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
  10. You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is _really_ worn.
  11. If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
  12. If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
  13. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
  14. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
  15. Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
  16. New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
  17. When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
  18. If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
  19. If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
  20. If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
  21. If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
  22. You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
  23. You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
  24. You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
  25. You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
  26. You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
  27. If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apoligize before you can ride it again.
  28. You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
  29. Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
  30. Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
  31. Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
  32. Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
  33. Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
  34. You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
  35. It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
  36. If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
  37. You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.

Ten Things Not to Say to a Cop When You're Pulled Over
Posted on Sun, 26 Apr 2009
  1. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
  2. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
  3. I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
  4. On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
  5. You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
  6. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
  7. Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
  8. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
  9. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
  10. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Things never to say to a MAN
Posted on Sun, 26 Apr 2009
  1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
  2. Ahh, it's cute.
  3. Who circumcised you?
  4. Why don't we just cuddle?
  5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
  6. It's more fun to look at.
  7. Make it dance.
  8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
  9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
  10. It looks like a nightcrawler.
  11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
  12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
  13. It's OK, we'll work around it.
  14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
  15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
  16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
  17. Oh no, a flash headache.
  18. (giggle and point)
  19. Can I be honest with you?
  20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
  21. Let me go get my tweezers.
  22. How sweet, you brought incense.
  23. This explains your car.
  24. You must be a growing boy.
  25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
  26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
  27. Are you one of those pygmies?
  28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
  29. Ever hear of Clearasil?
  30. All right, a treasure hunt!
  31. I didn't know they came that small.
  32. Why is God punishing you?
  33. At least this won't take long.
  34. I never saw one like that before.
  35. What do you call this?
  36. But it still works, right?
  37. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
  38. It looks so unused.
  39. Do you take steroids?
  40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
  41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
  42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
  43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
  44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
  45. Aww, it's hiding.
  46. Are you cold?
  47. If you get me real drunk first.
  48. Is that an optical illusion?
  49. What is that?
  50. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
  51. Were you neutered?
  52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
  53. Does it come with an air pump?
  54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
  55. Where are the puppet strings?
  56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
  57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
  58. Nevermind, why bother.

25 reasons why HOCKEY is better than SEX
Posted on Sun, 26 Apr 2009
  1. It's ok to bleed during play.
  2. If it's a bad game, you can call a time out.
  3. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from.
  4. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment.
  5. You can still play when you get married.
  6. You can change on the fly.
  7. Anytime you see an open net, you can go for it.
  8. If you can't get it up, who cares?
  9. You can score on all the teams in the league over and over.
  10. You can pull the goalie without getting yelled at!
  11. It is broadcast live on TV.
  12. Everyone can shoot at the same goal.
  13. You can shoot in the goal and it's a good thing!
  14. Because of the facemask, nothing can get in your eyes!
  15. You always know how big the stick is.
  16. It's legal to play hockey professionally.
  17. The puck is always hard.
  18. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it.
  19. It lasts a full hour.
  20. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
  21. Your parents cheer when you score.
  22. Periods only last 20 minutes.
  23. You can count on it at least twice a week, 4 times a night.
  24. You can tell your friends about it afterwards.
  25. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.

You know you have been in Finland too long when...
Posted on Sun, 26 Apr 2009
  1. You rummage through your plastic bag collection to see which ones you should keep to take to the store and which can be sacrificed to garbage.
  2. As you walk past the Parliament Building in Helsinki, and see the statue is titled "Svinhufvud" you no longer read it as "Swinehead" and instead you think "What a good Swedish name!"
  3. A stranger on the street smiles at you:
    • you assume he's drunk,
    • he's insane,
    • he's an American.
  4. You don't think twice about putting the wet dishes away in the cupboard to dry.
  5. A friend asks about your holiday plans and you answer "Oh, I'm going to Europe!" meaning any other Western European country outside Scandinavia.
  6. You no longer scrunch up or fold your paper money. You always put your money in your wallet.
  7. You see a student taking a front row seat and wonder "Who does he think he is!!??"
  8. Silence is fun.
  9. The reason you take the ferry to Stockholm is:
    • duty free vodka
    • duty free beer
    • to party hearty... no need to get off the boat in Stockholm, just turn around and do it again on the way back to Finland.
  10. Your coffee consumption exceeds 6 cups a day and coffee is too weak if there is less than 10 scoops per pot.
  11. You pass a grocery store and think "Wow, it is open, I had better go in and buy something!"
  12. Your native language has seriously deteriorated, now you begin to "eat medicine"... "open the television"... "close the lights off", and tell someone "you needn't to!" Expressions like "Don't panic" creep into your everyday language.
  13. You associate pea soup with Thursday.
  14. Your idea of unforgivable behaviour now includes walking across the street when the light is red and there is no WALK symbol, even though there are no cars in sight.
  15. Your notion of streetlife is reduced to the few teenagers hanging out in front of the railway station on Friday nights.
  16. Your bad mood becomes your good mood.
  17. Sundays no longer seem dull with all the stores closed, and begin to feel restful instead.
  18. "No comment" becomes a conversation strategy.
  19. You finally stop asking your class "Are there any questions?"
  20. The fact that all of the "v's" and the "w's" are together in the phone directory seems right.
  21. Your old habit of being "fashionably late" is no longer acceptable. You are always on time.
  22. Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay.
  23. You begin to understand Jussi Jyylanpaarvi's broadcast of the hockey game.
  24. You refuse to wear a hat, even in -30 degree weather.
  25. You hear loud-talking passengers on the train. You immediately assume:
    • they are drunk,
    • the are Swedish-speaking,
    • they are American.
  26. You give up on trying to find fat-free food and pile on the butter, cream and sugar.
  27. You know how to fix herring in 105 different ways.
  28. You eat herring in 105 ways.
  29. You no longer look at sports pants as casual wear, but recognise it as semi-formal wear.
  30. You can now reconstruct the missing letters on a building. For example, MERI.........LITTTO OY.
  31. You have undergone a transformation and:
    • Mustamakkara/Black-blood sausage is food
    • you accept alcohol as food
    • you accept.
  32. You understand why the Finnish language has no future tense.
  33. When you can choose between one good fuck with a pretty girl or a drunken evening, you say: "Why loosing some fuel instead of getting some?"
  34. YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE LIVE ANYWHERE BUT IN FINLAND!!!!

Signs that you are too drunk
Posted on Sun, 26 Apr 2009
  • You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
  • You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
  • Job interfering with your drinking.
  • Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
  • Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
  • The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
  • Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
  • 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
  • Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
  • You can focus better with one eye closed.
  • The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
  • You fall off the floor...
  • Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
  • Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
  • Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
  • At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
  • Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
  • You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
  • The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
  • You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].
  • Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
  • Roseanne looks good.
  • Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
  • That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
  • Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
  • I'm as jober as a sudge.
  • The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
  • You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

Promoting National Condom Week
Posted on Sun, 26 Apr 2009
  1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP
  2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
  3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
  4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
  5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
  6. YOU CANT GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG
  7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT
  8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY COVER YOUR MONKEY
  9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
  10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER
  11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOU DICK
  12. IF YOU GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
  13. WHILE YOUR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
  14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE
  15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
  16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
  17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
  18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
  19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
  20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
  21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

Ten things that men know about women
Posted on Sat, 25 Apr 2009
  1.  
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  9.  
  10. They have tits.

This is for men tired of receiving male bashing jokes
Posted on Sat, 25 Apr 2009
  • How many men does it take to open a beer? - None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
  • Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? - Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
  • Why do women have smaller feet than men? - It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
  • How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? - When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."
  • How do you fix a woman's watch? - You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
  • If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
  • What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? - A woman that won't do what she's told.
  • I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
  • I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
  • What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? - Divorced.
  • Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.
  • Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
  • Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
  • In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
  • Why do men die before their wives? - They want to.
  • A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
  • Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
  • A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted.." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
  • What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday? - Forget it once.
  • Women will never be equal to men until: They can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
  • Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? - Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
  • A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy? The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you,sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

Life as an American
Posted on Sat, 25 Apr 2009
  • We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.
  • We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.
  • We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".
  • We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
  • We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
  • We whip any enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.
  • We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
  • We run from morning to night trying to keep our "earning power" up with our "yearning power."
  • We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
  • We talk about baseball, shopping or fishing in the office, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
  • We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
  • We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
  • We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

Chinese Proverbs
Posted on Sat, 25 Apr 2009
  • Man who run in front of car get tired.
  • Man who run behind car get exhausted.
  • Man who scratch bum should not bite fingernails.
  • Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
  • Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
  • Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
  • Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
  • Man with one chopstick go hungry.
  • War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
  • Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

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